Going way back, my story began before I even realised. In my mid-20's, I was left with only one little ovary. The presence of a large borderline tumour in my other ovary meant it had to go. It was OK though - time was on my side. All would be fine!

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Or so I thought. Fast forward 8 years and a couple of relationships later and I found myself single with a biological clock that was (quite insensitively) ticking very loudly! After a year or two mulling it over, I realised that it was time to take my life (and hopes of having my own biological child/children) into my own hands. A sort of reproductive insurance policy, if I can call it that, although without the guarantee of a payout!

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After four attempts at egg freezing, I had 11 eggs frozen - my maybe babies! This felt great and I could relax - for a little while at least.

 

A couple of years later, when trying to conceive naturally didn't work, I went through two rounds of stimulated ovulation with no success, and unsuccessful round of ICSI (advanced IVF), followed by another round of ICSI and two attempts at a frozen embryo transfer. All of these experiences are explained in a lot more detail in each blog post. 

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Along the way, I have cried and laughed, vented and reasoned, retreated and looked for support, broke down and got back up again, all in the name of not giving up until I try everything I can to hold my own beautiful baby in my arms. In this game of fertility snakes and ladders (it's the best way I can describe it), I have despaired, felt real hope, surrendered to the uncontrollable, and tried to heal a bit along the way - and will continue to heal for some time to come. 

 

At times, it has felt like a traumatising, paralysing and all-consuming experience, where everything else in your life takes a back seat. It has to. There is simply no headspace or energy for anything (or anyone) else when you are in the depths of infertility. Ultimately though, I realised that I was trying to fit my life into my fertility experience instead of fitting fertility into my life - which is unsustainable in the long run.

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From the very start of my fertility experience, I was shocked about the lack of conversation, air time, and presence that infertility receives in our society. This intensified the isolation and loneliness I felt. So, I documented everything, from the very beginning to the present day, with the intention of one day publishing it. And that is what this blog is. 

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Writing about everything I have gone through has helped me to stay sane. It has helped me to process the multitude of emotions that come with every treatment, every loss, every fresh wave of grief, and even the hope - when it appears from time to time.

 

I am very lucky to have a strong support system around me and I am very open about the challenges I have experienced with infertility. However, not everyone feels that they can speak out and share. And so, if this blogs helps even one other person along the way, then it is worth it. Xx