Taking the Leap into Fertility

And so it began. Aged 34 and single, I decided to freeze my eggs. It took me a few years to come to this decision and it wasn't easy because it was loaded with all sorts of emotions. I didn't know anyone who had done this and when I began to ask why, I realised that this is very complex. But the silence and taboo surrounding it made no sense to me. This is biology! Which is why I started this blog.

I hope that by speaking out about fertility challenges, then others will too…or at least the journey won’t feel so lonely for me (and for you). By sharing my experience, I aim to give an honest account of my journey on both a practical and an emotional level - the latter is particularly important as I was not prepared for what was about to come.

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Losing an ovary.

When I was 25, I found out that there was a mass in my left ovary and that I was being referred to a Gynaecology Oncology Consultant to investigate it further. It turned out that the mass was a tumour and it needed to be removed as soon as possible. My options were to remove the entire ovary or try to remove just the tumour and preserve as much of the ovary as possible. The former being the safest option as the removal of the whole ovary in one had the highest chance of preventing rupture and possible spreading of the tumour cells.

I remember turning to my father and saying, “obviously, we will take the entire ovary out”. It was one of the quickest decisions I ever made. My mother passed away from Breast Cancer when I was six years old and so, being all too familiar with the destructive nature of cancer, this seemed like a no brainer. I would still have one ovary and I was only 25…lots of time to settle down and have children.

Life had other plans.

Cue 9 years later and I was single. But I knew for sure that I wanted to have a family of my own some day, ideally with a partner rather than without. I began to feel confronted by this every day. More often than not, I was the only single person at a social gathering, family event or in the work environment. It would sting every time someone asked me if I had children? No. Am I married? No. Do I have a partner? No. The conversation usually ended there. Or I would get some sympathetic comment like “you’re better off anyway!”.

Taking ownership!

So I made the decision to freeze my eggs. Or at least try to. The biggest driver behind this decision was to take ownership of my life and to tame the anxiety of the biological “ticking clock”. This decision was not made lightly. Whenever I spoke to friends and family about the negative correlation between age and fertility in females, I was either told to “relax…you’ve loads of time” (not helpful!) or to freeze my eggs. But I wasn't emotionally (or financially) ready to do this.

At the time, it felt like freezing my eggs would be the utmost declaration that the more traditional path of finding a partner, and bringing a child into the world naturally, was no longer on the cards for me. Not to mention the high cost, lengthy process, uncertainty in the outcome, etc.

However, the more I sat with it, the more it became clear that freezing my eggs may not be the gloomy finality that I previously thought it to be. Maybe, this would be exactly what I needed to feel like I can start living my life again and stop watching the goddamn clock - which is exhausting, by the way! So I got the ball rolling and scheduled by first appointment with the fertility clinic.

Stepping into the arena.

And that was it. After blocking my ears for a few years, I had taken the leap. While I did it to take some ownership of my life, and to bring some hope back, it didn’t feel very bright at the time. I would be lying if I said this decision did not make me feel sad, lonely, isolated, and ashamed.

I told some family and friends at the time, and while I appreciated the welcoming view that this was a really positive step, and a very brave thing to do, it did not feel like either of these things to me at the time. Nonetheless, as I allowed myself some time to become properly acquainted with this decision, I did feel more hopeful…almost excited. I felt proud of the fact that I was no longer a dreamer and now felt like a doer. I had stepped into the arena*!

Reference to an excerpt of a speech delivered by Theodore Roosevelt in 1910. The excerpt is referred to as The Man in the Arena.

#Fertility #EggFreezing #BiologicalClock